Actually…
by WizardDemigodAvian-American
Summary: Remus Lupin has an odd habit of revealing things by saying, "Actually…"


(Remus Lupin's POV: 12 years old)

I am going to kill Sirius. Why am I in the headmaster's office when Sirius was the one who was in charge? I should have stopped them, I admit, but I shouldn't serve their punishment.

Flooding the Great Hall was ambitious, even for James and Sirius. Sirius came up with the initial idea, James figured out how to do it, and Sirius actually pulled the prank.

You might not understand why James was willing to sit in the library and research, and he usually wouldn't. The fact Lily Evans just happened to be in the library working on her History of Magic essay was totally a coincidence.

I shift uncomfortably in my seat. I don't look up at the headmaster.

"Remus?" He asks.

"Yes, Headmaster?" I ask nervously.

"Are you responsible for flooding the Great Hall?" He asks and peers at me over his glasses. James and Sirius will be pretend to be angry with me for selling them out, but they want everyone to know their work (as if they don't already, and it's only second year!).

"Actually... A friend of mine is, two friends that is," I reply.

"You would admit your friends wrongdoings, Mr. Lupin?" He asks.

"Yes," I say.

"Why?" He asks.

"I don't want to lie," I say and it's true. I already lie enough to explain my scars and where I am during transformations.

"Do you fully understand, Mr. Lupin, the seriousness of the prank?" He asks.

"Um, no?" I say hesitantly. Should I?

"What is someone had be in the Great Hall? Where will we all eat today? What if something is damaged? The most important thing to understand is that your actions have consequences. A good natured prank every now and then is fine, and does not go unappreciated, though it may have to reprimanded, but this is different. Don't do something worse than this. Do you understand?" the headmaster says. I ponder over what he says for a moment.

"Yes, sir. I understand. It's okay to have fun, but not at the potential expense of others," I say.

"Precisely. Learn from your mistakes, Mr. Lupin," he says and smiles. "You and your friends, Mr. Potter, Mr. Black, and Mr. Pettigrew, will serve one detention this Thursday."

"Thank you, Headmaster," I say. We got off much easier than we could have. He nods.

"Remus, I hope you have a word with your friends about what I spoke to you about," he says as I walk out the door.

I do just that. From that moment onward I make sure that the others don't pull a dangerous prank. And, as if they had listened, they never protest.

(12 years old)

James walks into the Gryffindor Common room seething with anger. It is only the every beginning of Second Year, but I know that he is in a dangerous mood. Someone must have down something terrible.

"Monster... Snape... _Stupidest_ thing I've _ever_ heard... More accurate about him... _Monster_..." James mutters.

"James, what's wrong?" I ask.

" _Snape_ ," he spits. "He has the nerve to call you a... monster. I won't stand for it! You are the FARTHEST thing from a MONSTER," he say face red and seething. Sirius stomps in the common room at that moment.

"Remus! You wouldn't believe his nerve! I ought to..." Sirius takes a deep breath.

"You are the farthest thing from a monster," James says like he is trying to convince me to believe him. He takes me by the shoulders and repeats himself. Maybe he needs to. I'm definitely not the farthest thing and they wouldn't say that if they knew the truth. He also says it like he is trying to convince himself, like he _knows._

"Actually... That's not true. I am a monster," I say and Sirius and James nod to each other in recognition. They glance around the empty room.

"You may be a werewolf," James says, whispering the last word, "but you aren't a monster."

"You're our friend," Sirius says sincerely.

"You haven't seen me on the full moon," I say bitterly.

"I don't care. You're a marauder," James says.

"And you don't have to do it alone now. We'll find a way to help you," Sirius says.

"No!" I shout. "I'm not going to hurt you."

"You won't... Moony," Sirius chuckles.

"Excuse me?" I ask.

"Moony, your name," he replies.

"My name is most certainly not Moony," I say.

"No, your code name," he says like I'm an idiot.

"Yeah... Cuz we have those," I roll my eyes.

"We do now," James shrugs.

They could make a joke out of anything, yet still know to take it seriously (or siriusly). I don't know what I'd do without them. I never imagined that that anyone could be so accepting of my lycanthropy.

I don't think they can actually help me on the full moons, but I know that they will be there the next morning. I hope they don't try anything dangerous, but it's foolish to hope for such a thing. I've met the boys after all. I know they think that I won't hurt them, but when the wolf takes over… I shudder at the thought.

"You're going to be fine, Moony," James says. I actually believe them.

(33 years old)

"I lost five galleons on that prank!" Professor Spout laughs as I sit down with the other professors.

"What prank?" I ask.

"Oh, an old prank from years ago," she says with a wave of her hand as if it was nothing. The sudden awkward silence gives me a hint as to whose pranks they are referring to.

"You know, I know you are talking about James and Sirius," I say quietly. I appreciate their concern, but it is unnecessary. The silence continues.

"I'm sorry," Professor Sprout apologizes.

"There's so need to apologize. I rather like reminiscing," I say. My voice takes on a playful tone. "So, the professors placed bets on our pranks?"

"Of course not, Remus," Minerva responds. Sprout gives her a look.

"Occasionally," Spout says.

"Well, yes, technically, we did. I won quite a sum from Albus during your OWL's when Sirius put a spell on the quills. We searched for hours and couldn't find a single quill. The things he'd do to get out of work..." Minerva says wistfully with a bit of a laugh. I chuckle.

"Actually..." I begin.

"Actually, what?" Professor Spout asks.

"Remus John Lupin!" Minerva says.

"Sirius didn't charm the quills," I say. Minerva reaches into the pockets of her robes, pulls out a sickle, and hands it to Professor Sprout. I gape at them.

"I'd been waiting for that for years. Thank you, Remus," she says.

"Why did you suspect Remus? No one ever thought he was guilty of anything! But now I'm starting to question things," she says and glares at me. I feel like a student again.

"OWL's were the day after the full moon," Sprout explains.

"Well of course I pieces that together, but I still assumed that James and Sirius charmed the quills for Remus," she says. I listen to them speak as if I'm not here. I think about all the pranks the marauders pulled. I think about the good times. I think about their friendship and trust. I don't think about James's death or Peter's betrayal or the fact that Sirius is in Azkaban. I think about how they looked after me on the full moon, even when I begged them not to, even when I said I didn't want to hurt them.

"Remus!" Minerva says and pulls me out of my trance.

"Yes?" I respond.

"We have some more bets to settle. Was it James who turns Snape's hair pink in seventh year?" she asks. I laugh at the memory.

"Of course! He called Lily a…well, you know," I say.

"And the next day when he was hexed?" She asks.

"That was me, but I swear it was the only times I hexed him! I had a good reason! No one talks about Lily that way," I say.

"Have a biscuit, Remus," Minerva says and pushes the plate towards me.

(37 years old)

Peaceful. We are in the middle of a war, yet that is the word that comes to mind. Sitting here, eating dinner with Tonks can't be described as anything except peaceful. I love her. She is unusually quiet. I love her. And tonight is special. Did I mention I love her?

"Remus?" She asks hesitantly.

"Yes?" I respond.

"I've been thinking about that conversation at the Weasley's," she says. [The one in the book where Remus was saying he was too old and too broken.]

"Oh, Tonks," I start.

"I have something to say," she interrupts, "If you don't see a future for us and you don't want to be with me then I'm done trying to make you. You must think I'm pathetic. But I want you to know that I don't care about age or lycanthropy. I care about you. But you don't have to be with me." She looks near tears and it breaks my heart. I love her and I know must seem distant, but she deserves more, so much more. I love her though, and if it's not to late, I'm going to do something about it.

"Actually... " I take a deep breath, "I would like nothing more that to spend the rest of my life with you, Nymphadora Tonks."

Her smile lights up her whole face. I get down on one knee and she gasps.

"Remus..." she says.

"Nymphadora Tonks, will you marry me?" I ask and hold open a small black box. The ring is simple, but Tonks doesn't care about things like that.

"Don't call me Nymphadora," she says with a combination of laughing and crying. "Yes, Remus. Yes."

I stand up and she stands up and she moves closer. I slide the ring on her finger and brush away a tear. I kiss her and I wonder why on earth I waited this long. Why did I push her away? Why did I let her think I didn't love her?

"I love you," Tonks says.

"I love you, too," I say and I am happy. I am truly happy, something I haven't felt in a long time. I still don't think I deserve her. I still think she deserves better. I still think I am too old and too broken. But I am happy and she is happy and I let myself be happy. I am actually happy.


End file.
